What happened? Where did I go wrong? Yes, this is a pity me journal entry that I decided to share with you all. I was flying high then I crashed. Interesting thing is I didn’t even see the ground coming. I thought I had all my ducks in a row and was juggling my life in an efficient and progressive manner. But I stopped using my tools, I haven’t meditated in weeks, haven’t touched my studies, have barely done the minimum to keep active with my page and those that follow it. Worse I haven’t checked in with my body in far to long. I lost the sense of presence I get “when I am in my body and space”. I’m not really sure what happened, if it was one of the natural ebb and flows occurring, if it was planetarily influenced, burn out, or mis management. Probably a combination of all above. I was functioning normally but deep down I knew in my bones I was letting myself down. I was ignoring the nudges my body was telling me and this was not going to end well. The wear and tear on my physical body, mental and soul is going to show up in a big way if I don’t pay attention. So why have I stopped nourishing by physical body, stopped using the tools that light up my soul and create peace in my mental state? Is it self sabotage, laziness, hiding my light, fear? I am not really sure but I think some of it comes down to the shifts and changes that take place when we go from student to teacher, mentee to mentor. Every time I get to this precipice, I start to back slide. It feels like too much, to many responsibilities, and I go into overwhelm. For me the first awareness of this comes in the form of sugar intake, I crave it like an addict. Then I fall into my mind is too tired to function. This presents it self in mindless electronic use or reading as an escape. So yesterday after 5 hours of phone time, in bed while eating nachos and ice cream, I had a moment of clarity. Not enough to do anything about it, but enough to forgive myself for the time and to sleep well, wake up with the need and the knowledge to get back on the path. You know what it happens. And it was what I needed to realize things had gone off kilter. I woke up this morning, cleaned up, ate what my body needed, meditated, and here I am writing it out. One; to purge my soul, as this is the best way for me to do that, and two; I am sharing this so that hopefully someone who needs to see it will know they are not alone. If only one person needed to see this process, then my sharing the vulnerable messy parts of my inner workings is worth it. We all have these ups and downs. It is ok! We all have these moments, and recognizing them, forgiving ourselves for them and acknowledging they are a part of our healing and health is so important. They are the key to knowing that we are off track and need to dig in and look to how to get back where out goals want us to be. We are all human, we all move through life, moment to moment, with the ups and downs a part of the journey. Don’t let the lows hold you back, but use them to build the path you need, the path you want for your life. Reach out when you need a helping hand, however that looks for you. Sherry.
Comments